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The Struggle Gets Tiresome, But...


I never finished my song earlier this evening, but I'll do it today. Enjoy every moment. 

I fell asleep yesterday. I was tired. I had the worst experience ever and then had to decide if I wanted to go back for some more of that, lol. The verdict is still out on that. 

I was disappointed, discouraged, and just about defeated once I realized that I was getting crap from other ends at the same time. The crapstorm seems to be a collective effort to stop T from paying her bills. This one lonesome and unsupported female is somehow on the "can not earn" list. "We'll take away her livelihood, make it as hard as possible for her to earn money, and postpone her payments or nickel and dime her to death whenever she does." Several parties are in sync. Yeah. I noticed. Good for you. 

I didn't know whether I wanted to laugh or cry yesterday, honestly, and I probably did a little bit of both. I cried because I was tired of being f**ked with and tired of struggling just to stay afloat all the time. I laughed because, in any other situation, the events from yesterday would have been funny. It was one of those situations where I just wanted to scream, "What the hell are ya'll doing?" It was completely substandard for the organization I was interacting with. I mean, I actually thought very highly of that organization, and I expected much better. 

It was so crazy that I wasn't sure if my experience was real or scripted, but wow. My guess? Scripted. Certain "strangers" knew too much of my personal information, current activities, and past experiences for it to have been a coincidence. 

Nice to meet ya. All you had to do was ask. 

So yeah, it was funny in its own way, and I did laugh a little bit. But at the same time, I was deflated. You know how it is. I crawl my way out of one near-death situation (physical, emotional, financial), and then I get kicked in the head or gut just as I'm climbing out of the ditch. It gets tiresome after a few decades, and I was very tired yesterday. 

I'm not the only one who has been tired, though. That's why it's cool to look into the good book (if you believe in it) when things don't go right. Some of the most cherished prophets had WTF and WTH moments. Heck, Elijah asked to be removed from the Earth. He was tired. Jonah was so tired of people "getting away with wickedness" that he tried to bounce. Moses was tired. David was tired. Jeremiah was tired. "Jesus" was tired, too, once. Remove this cup?

Obviously, I'm not a prophet. But the point is that even the people who were deemed the strongest and most righteous had moments where they were so tired of the struggle that they simply wanted to give up. One thing is similar about all of those people's stories, though. They all turned to their Elohim/God/Heavenly Father to get them through the rough patches. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to be reminded of.

It's Been a Crapstorm for Several Months

 

Today was one of those days when I couldn't do anything but look up to the sky and ask, "What in the actual f**** is going on?" The Book of Psalms is full of prayers like that. David's like, "How looooong are you going to let my enemies beat up on me? Where the heck are you? When in the actual f*** are you going to fight for me?" 

That's why the Book of Psalms is my favorite book. It's full of real and raw emotion. When he felt ignored, he said so. When he felt like his enemies were winning, he said so. When he felt like his protector wasn't protecting him, he asked why. He was not punished for such things, nor was he punished for requesting that the Heavenly Father turn their wicked shenanigans right back on them. I love the Psalms because David didn't pussyfoot around. Neither will I. 

When the world kicks your ass, you have one of three choices. You can completely give up on life altogether. You can get on your knees and pray, or you can enjoy every last minute of whatever you have left for as long as you have it. You might even choose to do a combo. 

Me, I'm going to finish my song. Then I'm going to process some returns, if you know what I mean. Enjoy. 

Some Candies Are Gluten-free

 

On a lighter note, I recently discovered that Mounds bars are gluten-free. I've always enjoyed Almond Joy and Mounds bars. Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't. You have to be a big girl or boy to remember the earlier Mounds and Almond Joy songs, lol. Are they still doing that song? I don't know. I remember the 90s version. If not, we need a 2021 remix. 

A local store was giving away tiny Mounds bars one day, and I thought, "Dang! I could really go for a chocolate snack right now... but can I eat that?"

Well, yeah, and you can too, unless you have an issue with almonds or peanuts (processed in a plant that also processes blah blah). I do okay with both of those, but I am sensitive to other specific tree nuts. The Mounds bars went over well for me... several times. My lactose intolerance is improving, BTW. I drank a quarter cup of whole milk yesterday without taking any enzymes. Not too bad, and the candy was fine, too. 

I guess I've become your friendly neighborhood gluten-free and food allergen advisor. I still have some different grocery stores to check out for such items. I tend to rave about certain stores, but there are more stores out there that I haven't even explored yet. Those stores might have things I didn't even know they had. And well, it wouldn't be fair to those establishments or us consumers if I didn't check them out thoroughly.

I usually shop at what's closest to me, and that might be causing me to miss out on a lot of good food. I'll definitely expand my horizons and then give shout-outs from a consumer's perspective. I'll be sure to update when I find more gluten-free stuff. My diet has been pretty slim up until now. Hopefully, I'll find a whole bunch of food I can devour to put on a little more weight. 

As a grocery shopper, I look at three things: price, information, and customer service. I don't mind spending more money on food that's healthy for me, especially when the customer service is good. I appreciate any grocery establishment that's up-to-date on allergy information and the need for certain people to eat gluten-free foods. But it's also nice when I don't have to stretch my wallet so thin. Food is expensive. Gluten-free food is super expensive, but like I said, this isn't a fad thing for me. This is survival. Eff what ya heard. I cannot eat gluten. 

The day is almost gone, and I think singing practice will be my last activity for the day. I chucked the last new song I was working on. Yep. I deleted it in mid-creation. It happens. Artists are weird. I never know if I'm going to finish an entire piece or decide I don't like it right in the middle of it. Sometimes, the flame just burns out before it's done. Other times, it burns all the way through. 

Now I'm working on something interesting that allows me to showcase more of the tenor voice without ignoring the higher part of my range. I have to tell you, though, that the higher parts are tough. It's going to take a few sessions because I have to work my cords. I'm not used to working so hard, and I get aggravated if I can't hit it. I want to get there without having to do a wack-sounding lady-falsetto thing, but I can't. Know what I mean? 

Practice is the only thing that might increase the higher registers. Personally, I like the lower vocals. Some producers I worked with in the past appreciated my low voice, too. But then I had other people who liked me on the higher or sweeter-sounding (more laborious for me) stuff. It depends on who's listening. I like to experiment with both, sometimes on the same song. 

Welp, good night. 

Run: A Serious Post About Domestic Violence

*Disclaimer: If you can't handle this topic, don't read it. If you don't like me discussing my life experiences, don't read them. If you're one of my lurking, lying, narrative-flipping enemies... you can kindly go straight to hell.*

I hope the comment about domestic violence that I made in my last post was not in poor taste. I was only stressing the magnitude of the dark puffy circles under my eyes when I was sick. I really looked like I'd been punched in the face, and I should know because I have been punched in the face. I had several shiners and noggen lumps in the past and also had my nose dislocated pretty well. Bites, handprint neck bruises, etc. I still have the paperwork from that period in my life. I keep it to remind myself of how far I've come and also as proof if I ever need to shut down a discreditor troll. 

I am a domestic violence survivor but no longer a victim. So I guess that analogy came from my fingertips just because of what I saw in the mirror many moons ago. I meant no harm by it and was definitely not trying to make light of the subject

Since we're on that subject, let's talk about why people do it to their partners:

  • They've seen or experienced it, and it's the only tool they have for "conflict resolution." 
  • They're afraid of losing their spouse and have no other way to "make that person stay." 
  • Substance abuse brings out the uglies. 
  • They simply like hurting people. 

Usually, it's not the last reason, but does it matter? It hurts the same. And unfortunately, it usually doesn't stop unless the victim leaves or something worse happens. Just like emotional and verbal abuse, it's a pattern that needs to be broken, and breaking it requires a whole heap of work. One must hold himself accountable for the actions before any work can be done, though. That doesn't happen very often. 

Oftentimes, such people recognize what they do and apologize for it only to reclaim control. But they don't really hold themselves accountable for it. It's your fault they did it, not theirs. You made them do it by being too tired to do XYZ, or saying you were going to leave, or not wearing what they wanted you to, or "making" some other man look at you, or not waking them up in time for work, or not giving them money, or catching them with another female, etc. You name it. It's all your fault for some reason. 

And well, if it's always your fault, then they don't have a reason to change, do they? And it will probably happen again once you "do something to provoke them" again. 

Emotional torment works the same way. It's your fault to the bitter end and beyond. So here's my advice to anyone who goes through this: Run. Not slow, but fast. Not next year, but this year

I've had the pleasure of experiencing multiple brands of torment. The most harmful flavor is the emotional kind. So take that just as seriously as you would take a physical beating because it's the same thing, only they're beating on your soul and spirit. That's sometimes worse than any punch could ever be. The fact that the authorities and courts don't take it seriously is even worse. Many physical abusers even change their methods to emotional and verbal because they know they're harder to prove, and they'll probably get away with them. Thus, you should run if you meet an emotional/verbal abuser because they're very capable of flipping back to the physical at any time. It depends on how much control they think they have over you, and whether they think you're the type to tell. 

Excuses and Rebuttals

"But marriage is sacred!"

Yup, and so is your life. Run. 

"But he's nice sometimes." 

So was Charles Manson. Run.

"But I love him." 

Love can be done from afar. Run.

"But he needs me."

No, he doesn't. At all. Run.

"He just needs a little help." 

He should get it! Run. 

"But he didn't mean it." 

What exactly did he mean? Run.

"But I have nowhere to go." 

Yes, you do—the hell up out of there. Run.

"But I have no support out there." 

You have none where you are, either. Run.

"But no one will ever love me the way he does." 

Let's hope not. Run.

"But no one else will want me." 

Let's test that theory. Run.

"But I don't want to be alone." 

But, do you want to be aliveRun.

I know firsthand that it's tough to leave, and it might take you many times to succeed, but please GTFO! You are not alone, and many resources are available to help you with housing, counseling, clothing, job connections, etc. If you are a believer, you also have a loving Father, Savior, and Comforter to turn to in your darkest hour. Run. Be smart and be safe, but run. 

Don't Bury Me Just Yet

I went to the gym, but it wasn't a long session or anything. I probably stayed there for only 15-18 minutes. I know this because I played "Pop Sh*t" by Dirt McGirt exactly five times, haha, then I left. No nonsense. Straight to the booty and oblique machines, then I was out.  I'll do all that cardio and whatnot next time. This was just a re-introduction session. The goal was to get there and actually do something. Next time, I'll spend my normal hour there. 

I've been really bad with the music lately. I shouldn't be listening to explicit tunes, but wow, I saw that song being recorded on a documentary. Pharrell's beat was hot, and it was a great comeback song for ole boy before he passed. The flow was tight. I didn't really care for everything he said, but the mechanics of it were perfect. 

SOMETIMES PICTURES CAN BE RUTHLESS

You can usually tell the state of your health by your pictures. I was never really photogenic, but when I was sick, I looked siiiiiiick, even in videos. I literally looked like I was 80 years old and had gotten punched in both eyes several times. I watched a comparison of what I looked like in the face three years ago (no filter) versus what I look like now (no filter). It looks like several decades of a difference. 

Even my work IDs from just a year or two ago look 10 times worse than a picture of myself that I took just now when I first rolled out the bed (the worst time to take a picture). That's bad! The one company would not get rid of that horrendous ID shot for anything, either. That is so messed up, lol. 

And when you wear a mask all the time, no one can tell that you actually aren't a 100-year-old domestic violence victim. They don't know you took your picture back when your body was still trying to fight off a stealth intruder from a piece of wheat bread. So everyone thinks you're super old, calls you "ma'am," and thinks you don't like your job because of the light labor your "frail old body" can't handle instead of the horrid hours you work, lol. 

SOME STUFF JUST DOESN'T WORK AT ANY AGE

Honestly, I wouldn't have lasted on those hours at 18 either. They're just not for everybody. I can last until about 6 a.m. (but prefer to exit at 4 or 5) on an overnight shift. Anything beyond that - like after the sun comes up - is unnatural and unhealthy for me. It doesn't work. I used to work 11-7s decades ago and didn't really care for them then, either. I requested to change my shift to 8-4 because I had a better time with it. That was back in the casino days, and I loved the 8 to 4s. 

The body still believes it's getting a regular night's sleep at that time, and I wake up feeling normal. It still works that way now at 27 ;-). I worked a shift that ended at noon a while back, and no matter what I did, it just wasn't for me. Sick, not sick, eight hours of sleep, several days off, whatever. It just didn't work. I liked the work just fine but not the hours. 

ILLNESS VS. AGING

A lot of things happened to me because I was sick and not because of my age at all. A whole heap of my problems went away shortly after I changed my diet. Like the frozen shoulder, for instance. I was doing some broom handle oblique exercises at home yesterday, and I realized that my left shoulder is completely flexible and normal. There is no restriction in it of any kind. Just a year ago, it wasn't working properly, and I couldn't even do my job even when I wanted to. 

Don't put me in the senior citizen's home and off the market for a good man just yet, y'all. I ain't there yet by a long shot.