Featured Post

"Dear Wounded" Song From 2010

Today I'd like to share a song I wrote in 2010. I was collaborating with a band named Smashcan at the time, and they were sincerely cons...

A False Sense of Okay

I took that hot bath and drank some tea with honey, and ate some oatmeal. Ate some tuna fish, which always makes me feel better almost instantly from any issue with fatigue or something like that. I don't know why.

I did a little bit of writing work while I was lying  sort of propped up and my breathing eventually returned to normal. Watched some old "Guiding Light" episodes, and then I thought I should clean my room because it just looked a mess. I got a false sense of being okay, and I overdid it. I tried to read one Chapter of Isaiah aloud when I was done sweeping the floor and wiping down some things. I couldn't do it. I was completely out of breath. Then, of course, I got upset because I knew that wasn't normal... so I made my heart rate go up from being nervous, and that made my breathing a little bit worse.

I'm propped up on pillows again. The more I research my own symptoms, the more it looks like CHF, you know, congestive heart failure. Those who are diagnosed with CHF don't have odds of living very long afterward. Some die within five years, some within one year. I'm sure some people make it, but...

I'm going to finish putting my car together, darn it, and then I'll get to a doctor. I have a funny feeling that once I get there, I won't be going anywhere. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. 

What I don't understand is that it seems like this hit me from nowhere, but maybe I just didn't notice. Maybe I was going through all the stages, and I thought that all those symptoms like extreme fatigue were just my anemia acting up and it wasn't. I've always felt like I had less energy than everyone else, but it had gotten worse over the years. Taking iron every day helped  immensely for a while, but then... I don't know. This swelling and shortness of breath stuff just started happening recently. Seems like it happened right after I started my faith-based videos up again, huh?

I might not be good at DSM diagnoses stuff because I don't even believe in it anymore, but I do believe in regular medical stuff. The last time I showed symptoms of a physical illness, and I researched it, I ended up being right about it. I had an ectoptic pregnancy. All the symptoms matched my research. All of the other people's stories that I read about matched mine. I didn't want it to be true, but it was. I also knew it in my heart that it was true, you know, but I kept hoping that it wasn't. When you know in your heart, you know in your heart. 

I eventually ended up in the emergency room with a doctor telling me something that I already knew, that I was going to die if he did not do this surgery that was going to render me semi-fertile and leave me without a child. 

This here... I didn't even think it was my heart until I took that walk today. Then I knew. Two people asked me if I was okay while I was trying to walk to the store and such. I said, "No," lol. I never say no, but today I was really not okay.

Heh, you're probably thinking, "Now, why does Yahuah let these things happen to people?" Good question. Answer: I don't know. I just know that I am at peace with Him, and I trust Him. I am a little nervous about the pain that occurs when the system finally fails, but other than that, I'm okay. I would like for all of my children to know that I loved them dearly, and I would also like for that pal to know that I loved him, too. I still need to get over some anger or bitterness about some other relationships, but apparently, I need to hurry up and get over it, ha-ha.

Now, I'm going to do some more writing work, get some sleep, and then try to change the subject of my writings if the Father is so kind as to wake me up tomorrow. I'm almost done putting the car back together. I have some sensors, coil packs, hoses, etc. The work that's left shouldn't be that exhausting. I couldn't do it today because of that walk and because it was cold as crap outside. I want to get that thing done and get a crank going. If I can get it started, I can get out and start getting some blood work and chest X-rays and whatnot. I can also drive to the bank and tell them off for their failure to reopen my account and their failure to send me my dang $2 check, lol. They swear they sent it, but they did not send it here. 

No comments:

Post a Comment