Feeling Like This Person




Have you ever been so sick that you just wanted to lie down wherever you were and just stay there? You know, and you didn't even care if anyone saw you, walked over you, stepped on you, or whatever? All you wanted was a blanky and maybe a binky, too? That was me today. I can always tell when I'm really sick because a.) I cry for no reason and b.) I just want to lie down... wherever. 

The swelling in my legs/ankles/thighs/feet only went down a little bit from last night, not all the way. My socks were still able to make some pretty funky indentations after only being on my legs for a few minutes. I didn't want to walk, but I didn't really have a choice unless I wanted to pay Uber. I made a ghetto cane and walked with that, but I knew I was doing too much within minutes. I started crying, looking at the sky, and thinking that I would love to just be swept up into it real quick and not even have to take the rest of this walk. I rested on a couple light poles along the way. I wanted to sit down on the ground, but I was afraid I'd never get back up. 

Just walking about like that made my chest feel like something was working too hard. I've been back for 20 minutes, and I still have a weighted chest. I got all the way to the store and got the groceries that I wanted. I was feeling so bad that I actually asked someone for a ride back. That person said yes, but they just wanted me to wait 'til they were done shopping. Well, when I got to the counter and reached into my pocket, I had no money.  Didn't bring anything with me, money, ID, nothing. Left it home. I did NOT want to walk back here and then back to the store and back. That was so much work. Just thinking about it made me have another short tear fest. I usually love walking, but this was too hard. 

So I got some fruits and vegetables, teas, and so on. As far as going to a hospital, I won't do that unless I'm further along in the process of dying or something. I'm going to take a hot bath, drink some tea, try to do some work, and maybe make a video if the Most High has something for me to say.  

Despite everything that's going on, I'm not scared of something happening where I'm at. I'm okay with it. Not really scared about not having any super-close friends or anything here. I've been pretty much on my own all along, so it doesn't bother me. I feel comfortable about the people who are in my community even if they wouldn't give a crap if I fell out, lol. I'm comfortable enough with them to not be frightened.

I did think about an old pal of mine today. This person had a unique way of comforting me through just about anything. I used to think about my "mommy" whenever I was sick, but this time, that person popped up in my mind. Ah, that inkling of compassion. I love compassion.

All this has made me slow down a little bit, too. That's not such a bad thing. I was KILLING myself with all the sweatshop writing I was doing. Most of it was dead-end work that gave me NOW money but didn't really support my writing career in any way. Ghostwriting is a bad idea if you ever want to get established and sell your materials to magazines or something. You can ghostwrite for 10 or 20 years, and no one will know who the flip you are. 

Some of the companies require you to sign agreements that you will not do dealings with their clients, too, so that's something else you have to think about. Like if someone wants to actually give you a byline for something you wrote, you may not be able to get it. That matters when you're trying to get your name out there for what you do as a profession!

Yeah, ghostwriting is legit, and it pays some bills now, but it doesn't help you later in the least. It can stunt your growth too because some of those environments try to mess with your confidence as a writer and whatnot. I can't trash them because they got me through so many rough times. However, they kind of prevented me from growing, too. I'm a writer, and some of those places aren't really for writers. I'll just leave it at that. Some are higher caliber than others are, though. Some are very fair with their prices, but they hardly have any work. 

Anyway, whatever is going on with me physically has slowed me down quite a bit. I've been reading the Bible more because of it. That's always a good thing. I'm on Yeshayah (Isaiah) this week.

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