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"Dear Wounded" Song From 2010

Today I'd like to share a song I wrote in 2010. I was collaborating with a band named Smashcan at the time, and they were sincerely cons...

Sort of Scared

I'm writing at 1 a.m because I'm just a little bit nervous. Not nervous about dying, but nervous about feeling pain whilst I'm dying. I'm not saying that I am dying, but whatever is going on with me right now doesn't look like it has too many "good' causes.

I have been so busy trying to bust my behind doing my extremely low paying work just to keep paying for this expensive place that I live right now. I've been doing it for two years, but you know ... I am so, so, so, so tired. I've been trying to fight the good fight, though: living right, trying to straighten out my financial profile so that I can actually qualify to get into an AFFORDABLE place, etc. but well, it has all been a really tough uphill battle. I'm honestly just really tired.

One of the companies that I work with gave me a "present" for the holidays that I don't celebrate. It was a demotion that will make it nearly impossible for me to pay bills without hurting myself. I was already burning out from doing so much work. There's no way I can do more than I was already doing. 

The other company that I work with looks like it's trying to slow-boot me, too. See, I told you I deal with opposition. All kind of weird stuff happens that I don't even share half the time. Am I sorry about the choices that I made that pertain to the faith, though? Hell no. 

The demotions are not the items that are causing me to be sort of scared right now, though. It's that both of my feet, ankles, and legs are completely swollen and have very poor circulation. 

I had literally been working  so much that I didn't notice it until today. It is so bad that it can't be missed at this point. I still worked all day and night because I had to, but I'm a bit scared of what it may be. This was the last thing I needed right now immediately after I got a "holiday" demotion.

If there's anything that I learned over the past few years, it's not to try to play ANY kind of doctor, lol. Yeah, self-diagnosis doesn't work for me. At all.

What I can say is that the causes can be anything from "monthly hormones" (possible but never happened before) to insect bites (possible) to anemia issues (possible), diabetes or a severe heart or kidney condition. Do you see how versatile this one symptom is? Could be a lot of stuff. I'm hoping that it's my poor diet, and maybe I ate too much salt or something. I've been really restricted in terms of food options lately because my car isn't running. 

I did get attacked by a pack of angry ants a few weeks ago. They had built a home on the ground near my car. I accidentally stepped on their home while I was cleaning one of the car parts, so they attacked me by crawling up both of my legs and biting me. I had a skirt on, so there was no protection, and there was a lot of ants. My legs swelled up bad that day because I am allergic to things like that. It was painful, but I did get it to go down after a few days of putting the cream on it. I can't imagine that I am still having issues from the same bites. But then again, it was a lot of ants. 

I just don't know what it is. I'm not really in too much pain. I just don't have good circulation in my legs/ankles/feet at all, and I know that isn't right. It's scary to look at, especially since I was a completely healthy individual. This is some new ish.

What do I think it is? I am hoping it's just some random symptom of living off of fast-food for the past couple months because of the car situation. That's enough to kill anybody, and I don't even eat the pork. The rest of it is garbage, too, though.

Worst-case scenario, it's diabetes, kidney failure, brain aneurysm, or a heart issue, neither of which is something that I would like to try to handle on my own. Oh, how I wish I could ask an ex-diabetic friend ... er... and ex-friend who is diabetic some questions right about now. 

I don't want to think it's that, but if I couple this symptom with some other stuff that I had experience and ignored (extreme thirst, random blurred vision), then it's not looking very good. Whatever it is, if it's not something that the time of the month or a quick dietary change can fix... it's bad. If it interferes with me working... it's bad. It it puts me in a position where I might need another human being to help with something... oh, it's real bad. 

Doctor? Yes, I can see one ... just as soon as my car's running again. Uber to Ridgeland and back = $50. No pesos. The hospital's actually very close, although sometimes I think folks have a better chance of surviving out than they do in. I still remember that god-awful surgery from 10 years ago and how they left me in a waiting room for hours while I was literally in  a life-threatening condition. I can't say that I like hospitals too much, but of course I'd go if I had to.

This was just a random wind whine. I know I have to really just draw closer to the Father and keep my faith. I always say that things happen in groups. When you get hit, you get hit. For now,  I'm just drinking water, and elevating my legs. I don't remember these being swollen when I first woke up today, but they were by mid-afternoon. I was typing, and my socks started feeling tight. I was like, "What the heck?" looked down and saw that my legs were the size of an entire toddler. 

I'm going to try to get to some place that has some fruit tomorrow, if the Father is willing. 

This is making me realize how quickly things can change and how we never know how much time we have on this Earth. That's why we HAVE to make sure we're right with the Father NOW because once He calls your number, you have no more opportunity to repent. And like I said before, if he has a message for you to put out there to the people, do it because you don't know when will be your last opportunity to pass that message to someone who needs to hear it. This could just be something silly, but if it isn't, I want to know that I left some helpful information, even if it was just a tidbit, that helped someone to get on the appropriate path. I'm about to go hard on those faith videos :-)

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