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"Dear Wounded" Song From 2010

Today I'd like to share a song I wrote in 2010. I was collaborating with a band named Smashcan at the time, and they were sincerely cons...

Hospital Experience and Daily Health Updates

People usually know their own bodies, and they know when something is terribly wrong. First, let me say that I would never ever pretend to have a medical condition as serious as the stuff that I've been talking about as a:

  • Way to get sympathy 
  • Way to get a reaction
  • Way to get some kind of benefit

That's just not me, although I knew some folks who did do something like that in the past. I had been fighting these symptoms for the past few weeks and trying to avoid going to the hospital because:

  • I don't have money
  • I don't have good coverage
  • Bad past experiences
  • I don't feel that hospitals are good caregivers on the whole

My strength was so bad yesterday that I finally sucked it up, asked someone to help me, and got myself to the hospital. This was after three weeks of swelling in different areas of my body (ankles, legs, feet, behind the eyes, abdomen) and dealing with headaches, shortness of breath, and horrible, horrible fatigue, such that I couldn't even work. I'm a writer, so to not be able to sit up and consistently write... it's not good. 

I know I'm not functioning properly because I've been in this body for 43 years. Now, I may not be qualified or knowledgeable enough to diagnose myself, but I damn sure know I wasn't suffering from a case of the crazies (anxiety). These were all real physical symptoms that I was having, and I was scared but is it abnormal to be scared when your body swells in a way that you've never seen it swell before, and you can't breathe? Who wouldn't be worried at that time like that?  It's completely unprofessional to dismiss someone who is ill, chalk it up as some random "anxiety" and not even look into it. 

I regret going to the hospital because they weren't helpful at all. Actually, the visit was quite damaging. Some of the staff members were very kind, but the doctor wasn't concerned with finding out what was really wrong with me. He already had a preconceived idea, and he went on that. It could come back to bite him in the behind, though. 

I'm documenting every physical symptom that I have, and I'm posting it on my blog and on social media. That way, if I pass away from whatever underlying condition this really is before I get the proper diagnosis, someone will know that I was dismissed from the hospital before they even looked at my bloodwork, heart, or anything else that could have explained all of my symptoms. 

What really made me furious was that they wouldn't order tests for my heart or examine my bloodwork (they took six vials of my blood by the way), but they saw fit to take a pregnancy test even after I told them THREE TIMES that there was NO humanly possible way that I could be pregnant. You can't really get pregnant if you haven't been with anyone in half a decade, can you? Alrighty then.

Hell no, I'm not pregnant, but they seemed to be more concerned with whether or not I was than they were with what was really hurting me. That, my friends, is not cool at all. They wasted money on a test that wasn't necessary and refused to do the tests that were. 

Today I have a headache and pitting edema. I didn't do much when I got back home but cry about the humiliation that I felt when I tried to go get help. I guess from now on I have to provide visual proof of everything, and then I have to try to find the money to hire a "primary care physician." That's going to be a problem because I don't have any, and Medicaid does not approve people here who are not pregnant, totally devoid of any income, or caring for minor children. 

This is a video of my pitting edema this morning. I goofed up and said in the video that it was January 6, 2017... twice. I still haven't adjusted to 2018 yet. Oops. I'll have to be more careful next time, but you get the picture. I only had to touch my leg for a fraction of a second to get the pit, and this is not even what I would consider a bad day. 

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