I Made Up My Mind

I think my car has turned into a permanent project vehicle. You know how some people who are mechanically inclined like to always have something to tinker with or play with all the time? That's me. I don't think I'll ever be officially done with the car as far as I'm concerned. I'll always be working on something. Last Sunday it was the transmission cooler line. Today it was some minuscule coolant hoses. Sunday I'll be on a mission to get my lights back on and find the vacuum leak if the Father is willing to keep me in this world 'til that day. 

So I went outside to work on those two hoses near the throttle body, and I had a nightmarish time getting the right one off to put a new clamp on so that I could tighten it up. The area was just so tight. I finally did it, but then my arm suddenly felt like someone had punched me in it in several places. Ow, ow, ow was all I kept saying. I didn't hit my arm or anything. It just started spazzing out or something. The other arm joined in a little later. 

I stopped working and went and bought some crackers and ginger ale because I had been nauseous this morning, too. Drank that and then walked to Subway. I can't say that the walk was bad. It was actually quite good. My legs and chest were fine. My arm pain didn't go away, though. I had to go ahead and pick up some Ben Gay. Remember the old Ben Gay commercials?

Now, it's almost time for Shabbat, and I can't wait to rest. I was just falling asleep just now, but I want to fight it so that I can clean my room.  My spirit is good. I would say that I'm in a good mood, too. I don't have mood issues FYI. I only get mad when people do stuff that warrants getting mad. Any game playing/head games, manipulations, or taking advantage of poor people in any way...yeah, that's gonna consistently make me mad every time.  It has nothing to do with a mood. I just don't like when regular people or businesses operate that way for any reason. 

Stress? Meh...yeah, maybe a little, but what single woman wouldn't stress at all if she were in my position right now (check-to-check, unpredictable body, lack of support, a stockpile of bills, etc.)? It's completely normal.

Oh, I made my mind up about the V8 Healthy Greens drink. It's a hot mess. It's gross. The best part is the spinachy texture that you get when you get to the bottom of your cup, but it's a struggle just getting to the bottom of the cup. Some things just shouldn't be mixed together. They just put way too much conflicting stuff in the same mix. Greens can go well with bananas in a drink like a smoothie. That's about it. All that pineapple and apple and carrot and all this...too much. I will finish the bottle, but I will never buy this item again. I usually love V8 drinks, too. I think just about all the V8 Splashes are good. This was just nasty. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I couldn't even "get used to it after a few times." It made me make a sound that was kind of like... chkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, like an extended hacking sound. Honestly, I'd give it one star for getting me excited and then making me go chkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Oh, yeah, and one star for having the audacity to cost more than three dollars, but that may have been a store thing. 

Trying Hard to Stay Awake

So I'm still up at the crack of dawn trying to keep myself awake long enough to earn money to go to the doctor (again). I'm having some issues today, and I don't know, I just don't feel like my doctors are communicating well. I probably don't communicate perfectly either. I guess they don't really know me, but here's the thing: I'm a big baby, and sickness puts me in a thumbsucking mindset. You know? 

So it's like when I'm sick, I want so badly to be comforted by someone, but I also want to share in my diagnosis and treatment because I'm intelligent enough to understand what's going on. I want to know everything every step of the way. I can't deal with people disappearing on me and not telling me stuff or being shifty and whatnot, lol. I don't want to feel like a provider is not being forthcoming. My trust had already gotten jacked up at the hospital, so I didn't need it to get any worse. 

I'm not sure what it is that I need right now. A neutral party that I was talking to yesterday asked me what it was that I wanted from people. This person asked me what I would say to my absent "friends" or relatives if they were to talk to me. At first, I didn't even know how to answer that. I'm so used to people disappearing when I need them the most that I probably wouldn't know what to say if someone were actually there for me during a rough patch and interested in how I was feeling or doing. 

I guess I want comfort or just to know someone cares and is there. Even if they can't do anything for me, just knowing someone gives a crap would be cool. Uh, and you know, sometimes a simple kind word can carry someone a long way. 

Anyway, what's happening is that my current symptoms are frightening me, and I also feel like the specialists are downplaying things. I just have that feeling, you know, but then again, I recently experienced trauma. I could be just super skeptical right now. That was the first time I ever heard a physician lie, and the experience was very, very jading. 

Eh, but I can't just go to the doctor anytime I feel like it. Everything costs money, and this Uber stuff has been KILLING me. I think if I do go somewhere today, I'm going to take my car. Screw it. Now is a good enough time than any to open her up on the actual highway. I have a water leak coming from some tiny hoses on the plenum that I forgot to tighten real good. Those might be my suspected "vacuum leak" as well. I'll tighten those and see what's what. 

The loss of headlights and taillights boggled me as everything else like the radio, dash lights, and power stuff works. A fuse? I guess I need to check. It must be because they were just on the other day.

I think I got the transmission cooler line clamp in tight enough to hold the fluid in. I'm going to be really upset if I find out I didn't because I'll lose any new fluid that I buy. That stuff isn't cheap, and unfortunately, Chevys usually don't take the standard stuff that you can get from the dollar store or convenience store. Oh, no, no, no. You have to buy the Chevy-specific crap. Speaking of Chevy-specific crap, have I mentioned that I hate Dex-Cool? I think everyone hates Dex-Cool. No one keeps it in their Chevy.  

Whether I drive the car any significant distance today depends on how much control I can get of the leaks. I'll run that wench ragged if the leaks are slow, and I'll replace whatever's leaking later. As long as it isn't motor oil, I don't care.

I'm starting to feel really tired. This is usually the part where my body completely shuts down while I'm typing or editing, and I can't fight the process. I fell asleep like that last night. I just kept trying and trying to edit this same piece, and I kept waking up like, "Dang! I fell asleep." I thought I got it done, but nope. That same article was sitting there unedited when I woke up this morning. I can't fight it when my body says night-night. Hell, sometimes I can't even remember it. I'll just be working, and then I'll wake up and it'll be morning.

The "Curse" of Singleness

There seems to be a modern consensus in society that says that we must have a partner in this life, whether it be a spouse, significant other, or some other type of arrangement. It's not a concept that's exclusive to the heathen. Even people of faith have this thing where they sometimes look at the single person as if there's something wrong with his or her singleness

I beg to differ on the idea that single people are some type of rejects, rebels, or envelope pushers. I beg to differ on the speculations that such people have a "fear" or an "issue they're carrying with them" that causes them to be alone. I beg to differ on the belief that singleness and -- oh my goodness -- abstinence and celibacy are "conditions" that one should pity. 

I beg to differ because I'm a single person, and I'm absolutely fine with it. You see, I see my singleness as an opportunity to spend as much time as I can with the Creator. I'm a busy person because I have to work so much. Unfortunately, I don't have one of those great-paying jobs, but if I put enough time into my work, I can almost pay my bills sometimes :-) That being said, I don't have time for a relationship. The relationship would demand my time, and I actually owe all of my time to Yahuah. 

Any time that I would spend with a man would take from the time that I would spend with the Creator. Thus, the man that I would be with, if I were to ever get into a relationship again, would have to be a man who is in love with Yahuah. He'd have to be a man who would worship Yahuah with me and be my leader. He'd need to be my spiritual leader. How can I have a spiritual leader who doesn't worship Yahuah? If you don't worship Yahuah, you worship hasatan. You see why that wouldn't work for me, right? All righty. So that immediately cuts short my options for a mate and other people's option to have me as their mate. That part is non-negotiable. 

Another thing is that I would rather be with no one than be with someone who is wrong for me. A lot of people in the world are lonely and "tired of being alone." That's not a good reason to start a relationship, and it's definitely not a good reason to break celibacy. It's not a good reason to start a relationship just because it appears as if everyone else is doing it either. If everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you? I certainly wouldn't. 

Another point that I want to raise is that women outnumber men, especially in the Hebrew community. Does that mean we should take what we can get, even if it's someone else's man or some man from another nation? Hell no. Maybe it means that there isn't someone for every single person in this world. Perhaps singleness is/was the plan for certain people all along. It's possible. 

Now I'll talk about the way that I feel being a single person. I feel great as a single person. I know what I'm doing, and I know what I'm into. I don't have to worry about anyone else's wickedness or what they're doing, just me.  I don't feel bad that I don't have anyone. I feel worse about not having any kids to raise than I do about not having a partner, to be honest. I love kids, and I want to raise a child in the Word.

I'm not a man hater, man basher, or one of those women who want to avoid relationships at all costs so that I can "act like a man" and "be in control." I'd gladly step aside and humble down to my new leader if Yahuah would send me a godly man.

Frustrating Fitting

Today was an odd day. I'm starting to really wonder at this point if someone isn't messing with my car while I'm sleeping. I can't seem to stay awake long enough to catch anyone, but every time I go outside, there's something new that I need to fix. Some of those issues just plain didn't happen on their own. Like the transmission cooler line, for instance. They have clamps on them and an additional black plastic piece that goes around everything to hold it in place. I never touched anywhere near that stuff when I changed the head gasket. There was no need to. So what I'm saying is that I find it really hard to believe that both pieces just popped off randomly and leaked all of my transmission fluid out like two seconds after someone test-drove the car, and it was running fine. I mean, maybe it was a random thing, but it just seems really odd. No matter how it happened, I was still stuck having to fix it and then pay for several quarts of transmission fluid.

I had to jack my car up today and get under it, which I don't like doing. I don't like the feeling that a several -thousand- pound vehicle might fall on my face at any second, lol. Yeah, that feeling makes me just a little bit reluctant to want to get up under there and tinker with a transmission cooler line.

I can't even describe how difficult it was for me to try to put that clamp to the cooler line back in. You really need two people, one to push the line in, and one to get the clamp to go around it right. It's not even a clamp, really. It's an awkward fitting. If horrible clamps and frustrating fittings were sins, Chevrolet/GM would be going straight to hell.  You know what? I like their cars for the most part, but their clamps and some of their engineering decisions were just...I don't understand. I guess they really didn't intend for folks to do DIY stuff.

I finally got it on somewhat, but then I noticed I had no headlights or tail lights. Whyyyyyyyy? I had them when I was out there on Friday. All I did was go in for the Shabbat.

It seems like the harder I work to try to get this car back on the road, the harder something/somebody works to make it not go on the road. The cooler line's back in now, but I can't take it anywhere with no lights. It's really messed up since I don't have all this money to pay for rides, and I'm still sick. People don't understand that I can't be out there doing that crap. My head is killing me now, and my urine is extra bubbly-yellow (there's protein in it), and I have no energy, and I'd like to throw up immediately. It feels really messed up to be not that okay and then have to work on a car and earn money to pay for these liquids that keep getting let out.

I mean, I do see some little water hoses by the plenum that I didn't tighten up enough, but the transmission line wasn't me. It definitely wasn't me, and it definitely didn't come out by itself.

Aside from that, I'm annoyed because I had to remind some of my brethren that my name isn't "baby." That doesn't even sound right coming my way, and I don't like it. My name is Timiarah. Ma'am works, too. I'm not a hooker, a side piece, a dessert serving, or anyone's girlfriend or wife. I'm definitely not anybody's two-year-old daughter. Therefore, baby is not appropriate no matter what the situation is. But...if I don't say that I don't like it, it continues because the people who do it think it's okay.  Now that I've said something the first time, it'll be easier for me to keep it going. Remember, I come from a background of codependency and such, so I'm still not perfect when it comes to expressing myself verbally when I don't like something. I've gotten a lot better at it, but there are still some times when it feels weird to speak up. Oh, I can write it all day long, but when it comes to saying it aloud, I have a hard time.

I get annoyed when people continue to test me even though I've been doing the same dang thing for years. I am alone. I don't fool around. I live alone. I sleep alone. I walk to the store alone. I go in on Fri/Sat for Shabbat. I don't come out until that holy day is over. I listen to preachers and teachers. I pray. I read the Bible. I work on my car on Sundays. Every now and then I'll engage in a conversation with someone if that person walks up to me and starts talking, but it doesn't mean anything. Guys, girls, whatever. I'll talk to just about anyone who isn't a complete jerk or an obvious demon. I have lengthy chit-chatty conversations with women all the time. It's just that the men outnumber the women.

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow. I just want to make it to this appointment and get the rest of the story from the doctor. As I said in my video earlier, I'm doing a lot better as far as losing the water weight, but I'm still not okay. The way that I feel now after doing a little work on the car reminded me of that.

1/5/18 Feelings Into Words

The experience I had in the hospital on 1/5/18 was traumatizing. I can't stress enough how much I hesitated to go there in the first place because of my financial situation. I'm someone who has been trying to recover from previous trauma and previous financial issues for years now. It had been an uphill battle, so I didn't want to accumulate anything new that would hold me back from getting affordable housing any longer. 

I waited until I absolutely felt like I was dying to go there. 

I remember telling a friend of mine that I felt a sense of comfort because I thought that once I got to the hospital, everything would be okay. I packed my clothes before I went because I knew that I was really ill, and I thought I would be admitted. I really thought they were going to keep me because I felt that bad. Instead, I was sent home crying and feeling humiliated and not even taken seriously. The questions that ran through my mind were:

  • What did I do to deserve this treatment?
  • Why didn't this particular person believe me?
  • Why didn't this person want to help me?
  • Why have hospitals turned into nothing but cold-hearted money suckers?

Those people didn't know me from a can of paint, so none of them had any reason to assume that I was just goofing off or that I was lying about my symptoms or what could be causing my symptoms. Somehow, they judged me anyway, or at least the one physician did. 

Reader, please take a moment to put yourself in my shoes that day. I'm a 43-year-old "black" woman with no (supportive) family, no husband/significant other, and no friends in close proximity. I'm already struggling to pay for a roof over my head. I don't want to go to the hospital, but every day this illness keeps getting worse. It finally progresses to the busload of original symptoms PLUS chest pain and life-sucking anemic symptoms that are so bad that I can no longer work my extremely sedentary job. 

Of course I'm scared, but not unreasonably frantic. 

I debate in my own mind about whether I should go to the ER or just crawl into a corner and die. Of course, I choose the ER because I'm not ready to die. No, I'm not afraid to die, but I'm not quite ready either as I still have a lot to do in the world yet. 

I expect to see caring people who are going to help me feel better and bring some clarity as to what is wrong with me. I don't get that from the main person who is supposed to take care of me. 

Doctors are supposed to take care of people. They take an oath to act in the best interests of their patients. That includes not judging someone based on skin color, financial status, insurance status, or even expired or incorrect notes or information that may come up in the computer system. That includes not calling the patient a liar by taking a pregnancy test after she says there's no way (me abstinent long time) that she could be pregz. That includes not lying about the other test results and turning someone away with no answers. 

I go to the hospital sick as hell, vulnerable, and just wanting to feel safe and reassured that they are going to try to help me feel better. I want a medical professional to do the necessary research and find the problem, which will leave my mind at ease. Instead, I leave the hospital shocked, in tears, and feeling like I had just been kicked in the gut by the person who was supposed to help me. 

To add insult to injury, the bills start coming in for the "services" that I received there. I'm charged for tests that never should have been run (pregnancy? WTF? NO!), the "bloodwork" that was never done on my vials of blood that miraculously disappeared, an inflated chest X-ray bill, and...wait... thousands of dollars for the non-admitting hospital stay, and over a thousand dollars for the abuse that I received from a person who did not handle himself as a medical professional at all. 

The way I see it, the bills are additional abuse. 

Try to understand what I feel like right now as someone who legitimately had screwy kidneys that day and still has screwy kidneys now. I went for help. I received none. I had to see someone else just to get the right diagnosis, but these folks want me to pay thousands of dollars for negligence. I honestly think it's backward. I shouldn't be paying thousands of dollars for their negligence. It should be the other way around.

Now maybe I wasn't on my deathbed like I thought I was. Maybe it just made me feel like I was dying, but I did/do legitimately have the illness. Maybe there wasn't anything they could have done for me that day even if they had discovered and disclosed what was wrong. But, at the very least, they could have let me know what the issue was, gave me some tips for trying to help myself feel a little better, and not sent me home feeling like I had done something wrong by going there. 

The experience makes me never want to go to a hospital again. I've lost all trust in those types of places, and it's sad because that's like the only place you can go if you are dying. 

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