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"Dear Wounded" Song From 2010

Today I'd like to share a song I wrote in 2010. I was collaborating with a band named Smashcan at the time, and they were sincerely cons...

Frustrating Fitting

Today was an odd day. I'm starting to really wonder at this point if someone isn't messing with my car while I'm sleeping. I can't seem to stay awake long enough to catch anyone, but every time I go outside, there's something new that I need to fix. Some of those issues just plain didn't happen on their own. Like the transmission cooler line, for instance. They have clamps on them and an additional black plastic piece that goes around everything to hold it in place. I never touched anywhere near that stuff when I changed the head gasket. There was no need to. So what I'm saying is that I find it really hard to believe that both pieces just popped off randomly and leaked all of my transmission fluid out like two seconds after someone test-drove the car, and it was running fine. I mean, maybe it was a random thing, but it just seems really odd. No matter how it happened, I was still stuck having to fix it and then pay for several quarts of transmission fluid.

I had to jack my car up today and get under it, which I don't like doing. I don't like the feeling that a several -thousand- pound vehicle might fall on my face at any second, lol. Yeah, that feeling makes me just a little bit reluctant to want to get up under there and tinker with a transmission cooler line.

I can't even describe how difficult it was for me to try to put that clamp to the cooler line back in. You really need two people, one to push the line in, and one to get the clamp to go around it right. It's not even a clamp, really. It's an awkward fitting. If horrible clamps and frustrating fittings were sins, Chevrolet/GM would be going straight to hell.  You know what? I like their cars for the most part, but their clamps and some of their engineering decisions were just...I don't understand. I guess they really didn't intend for folks to do DIY stuff.

I finally got it on somewhat, but then I noticed I had no headlights or tail lights. Whyyyyyyyy? I had them when I was out there on Friday. All I did was go in for the Shabbat.

It seems like the harder I work to try to get this car back on the road, the harder something/somebody works to make it not go on the road. The cooler line's back in now, but I can't take it anywhere with no lights. It's really messed up since I don't have all this money to pay for rides, and I'm still sick. People don't understand that I can't be out there doing that crap. My head is killing me now, and my urine is extra bubbly-yellow (there's protein in it), and I have no energy, and I'd like to throw up immediately. It feels really messed up to be not that okay and then have to work on a car and earn money to pay for these liquids that keep getting let out.

I mean, I do see some little water hoses by the plenum that I didn't tighten up enough, but the transmission line wasn't me. It definitely wasn't me, and it definitely didn't come out by itself.

Aside from that, I'm annoyed because I had to remind some of my brethren that my name isn't "baby." That doesn't even sound right coming my way, and I don't like it. My name is Timiarah. Ma'am works, too. I'm not a hooker, a side piece, a dessert serving, or anyone's girlfriend or wife. I'm definitely not anybody's two-year-old daughter. Therefore, baby is not appropriate no matter what the situation is. But...if I don't say that I don't like it, it continues because the people who do it think it's okay.  Now that I've said something the first time, it'll be easier for me to keep it going. Remember, I come from a background of codependency and such, so I'm still not perfect when it comes to expressing myself verbally when I don't like something. I've gotten a lot better at it, but there are still some times when it feels weird to speak up. Oh, I can write it all day long, but when it comes to saying it aloud, I have a hard time.

I get annoyed when people continue to test me even though I've been doing the same dang thing for years. I am alone. I don't fool around. I live alone. I sleep alone. I walk to the store alone. I go in on Fri/Sat for Shabbat. I don't come out until that holy day is over. I listen to preachers and teachers. I pray. I read the Bible. I work on my car on Sundays. Every now and then I'll engage in a conversation with someone if that person walks up to me and starts talking, but it doesn't mean anything. Guys, girls, whatever. I'll talk to just about anyone who isn't a complete jerk or an obvious demon. I have lengthy chit-chatty conversations with women all the time. It's just that the men outnumber the women.

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow. I just want to make it to this appointment and get the rest of the story from the doctor. As I said in my video earlier, I'm doing a lot better as far as losing the water weight, but I'm still not okay. The way that I feel now after doing a little work on the car reminded me of that.

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