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An Addict of Unhealthy Love

*An excerpt from an author's musings*

"Sometimes, the saddest part of ending a narcissistic relationship is not that you have to be completely alone. It's not that you'll no longer get those skimpy breadcrumbs of attention or affection. It's not even that your dreams and ideals have been crushed. Nope.

The saddest part of it all is when it finally hits you that you really were dealing with a narcissist. It's when you think back and remember how close you allowed a sociopath to get to you and your home, heart, head, history, etc.

I was in denial about the last narc relationshit. My intuition told me what that person was right away, but like an idiot, I ignored the red flags and the still small voice from above. I ended up getting crushed pretty badly by this person, but I knew I'd survive. I'm a survivor. It's what I do. I can't say the pain didn't kick my ass for a while, though. 

I knew I could never allow myself to be with the person again, but I was still in denial about him being an actual narcissist. I thought I'd come way too far in my recovery to ever deal with such type of person again. 

Unfortunately, I was wrong. The individual proved himself a narcissist by doing a classic maneuver that only narcissists do. Non-narcissistic people are not arrogant enough or non-empathetic enough to ever do anything like that to someone. 

The whole time I was in the discard box, I hoped that he'd never come back to retrieve me for puppet games. It wasn't because I didn't care. Of course, I cared, because my nature is to care for people. But I knew what it would mean if he ever showed up again, so I didn't want it to happen.

Most survivors look forward to the hoover because it gives them some kind of small temporary self-esteem boost or consolation prize after weeks/months/years of being discarded like trash. For me, it was sad because it told me that I was right all along. I could no longer deny who this person really was. This was one time in my life when I didn't actually want to be right. 

The good part about the experience is that it put me more in tune with where I was in my own recovery. You see, I had been struggling with such relationships for a lifetime, and I thought that a self-prescribed six years of celibacy and prayer was going to be my cure-all. Unfortunately, recovering from such extreme trauma requires a lot more work than just isolating oneself and swearing off relations. Abuse has less to do with relations and more to do with predators feeding off our vulnerabilities. Thus, I ended up falling into the traps of narcissism again.   

Recovery requires a lot of inner work. It requires us to be completely honest with ourselves about our own shortcomings. It requires us to take steps to resolve issues that have been present sometimes for decades. It also requires us to have a good human support system in addition to that strong relationship with our Savior. It's my personal belief that only other survivors of these types of traumas can support us sufficiently and effectively. No one else really understands. Thus, I chose to roll with my own community on this.

I have been blogging about the topics of narcissism and codependency for more than two decades. Most people don't know that because I also had severe problems with guilt and shame in the past. I'd build entire websites, gain large followings, interact, and be doing well with my projects. But then, I'd get sucked back into some unhealthy relationship, and I'd feel like I was no longer worthy enough to discuss such topics. I'd let my guilt and shame overwhelm me and cause me to erase all my work and disconnect from all those people who actually took the time to read what I had to say. I didn't know how to deal with my shame back then. I didn't know it was okay to try to support other people, even if I was still a work-in-progress. I thought I was worthless if I wasn't perfect. I know better now. 

I am one year and 22 days 'clean and sober from toxic relationships,' lol. I have recently been tempted through no fault of my own, but I have not 'relapsed.' I am 100 percent single and not in any relationship or relation of any sort. I am now doing everything I can to improve my own life, support other people, and gain the support I need, too. 

I have a YouTube channel that's still pretty young and lacks direction, but it's mine, and I'll keep putting material on it as long as there's someone in the world who finds it helpful. I still have fingers to write with, so I'll be contributing in that aspect, as well. Counseling and coaching? Maybe one day when I'm more mature in my recovery and have worked a program."

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