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Contractors and freelancers have to have some way to get paid. Thus, they use services such as Cash App, Payline, Stripe, and so on. They do...

Rappin' for "Jesus"? WTH? LOL

The world of YouTube is insane sometimes. I came across this reaction to an old video with a white pastor and his wife singing their "rap" song called "Rappin' for Jesus." The first time I saw it, I was just confused. I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. Of course, my silly side took over, and I laughed at it. What's really funny is not the song itself but the natural REACTIONS of the people who watched it. 

I watched several reactions. Most people laughed. One brother wasn't too happy about it at all, and I can understand why. It's like, "Is that what they really think of us?" Do they really think they have to break stuff down in extremely corny rap to get through to us? WTF? It is offensive in that way, and because they felt they had to say n***a multiple times throughout the video. I mean, what in the actual f***k? We're not even going to talk about their image of "Jesus" right now. Woo, Lord. 

But some of the elements were funny. Like they were old as the hills really trying to spit some bars, and they had no rhythm whatsoever. The dude said he raps better than Biggie, too. Woooow.

What put me over the top was the reaction by this guy, Leo. I have to give Leo an award for having the damn funniest reaction to a video I have ever seen in my entire life. OMG, I died. Several times. ALL of his reactions were hilarious, especially when he started talking to "Mary Lou." ROTFL. I talk to the TV sometimes, too, bruh. Hahaha. 

**The video is the property of Mr. Video on YouTube. I own no parts of such video and am sharing strictly for your entertainment.**

**I do not condone or cosign on the use of any herbs.**

The Misenterpreted Chill Face


Would you believe I'm not unhappy in this picture? Like, at all? It's true. I took that about a week ago, I think. I was just chillin' at the time. I intentionally didn't smile just to see what I look like not smiling. 

I just noticed how someone might interpret me as being unhappy, mean, or unapproachable if I don't smile, haha. I have always worn that same expression whenever I was just sitting somewhere thinking, or when I was involved in something like work or school. That's actually my chill face, and I was quite content that day. I was not angry or sad in the least. But I guess a stranger in public would probably think I was unapproachable if I looked like that and was quiet on top of it. Hahaha. That's exactly what my face looks like in public, too.

I don't usually smile in public unless I'm laughing at something, spending time with someone I love and trust, or feeling comfortable with the people around me. If not, I just don't smile. Never been able to fake one ever. 

I smile naturally in all my videos, though. Why? Because I feel super-comfortable in them. I make them at home when it's just me and my camera. I trust me. I feel comfortable being me around me. I speak to the camera like I'm speaking to my best friend... because I am. Thus, the videos always come out authentic.

I like videos much better than pictures because they show my whole personality in-depth, not just a snapshot of a single nanosecond of time. They show my various facial expressions, voice, mannerisms, liveliness, and the like. I don't think I come off as mean in any of them.  

Gluten-Free Rice Bitz From Kroger


  • Gluten Free
  • No High Fructose Corn Syrup
  • No Artificial Colors
  • No Artificial Flavors
  • No Artificial Preservatives
  • About 8 Servings
Free from Sesame Seeds and Their Derivatives,Crustaceans and Their Derivatives,Wheat and Their Derivatives,Eggs and Their Derivatives,Fish and Their Derivatives,Soybean and its Derivatives,Milk and its Derivatives,Tree Nuts and Their Derivatives,Peanuts and Their Derivatives.

I like cereal, but I found that I still had a slight problem with some of the cereals, even though they were gluten-free. For example, I found some gluten-free Lucky Charms to eat a few weeks ago, but they made me tired. Why? I don't know. Something in the ingredients didn't sit well with me. They were tasty as hell, but I still had a reaction to them. Other gluten intolerant people say they experienced the same thing too with the Lucky Charms, and the problem was the oats. Maybe so. I found that I had some issues with some Kind Healthy Grains granola bars that were gluten-free but had oats in them, too. I stopped eating them. I can't remember how I handled the gluten-free oatmeal because I haven't eaten any in a while. I don't remember whether it made me tired or not. Probably.

These Rice Bitz from Kroger were okay. I had two bowls of them with my almond milk, and I was fine. I did not get tired and pass out. No headaches or potty problems. No new bloating or inflammation.  They don't have gluten, oats, high fructose corn syrup, etc. They're not loaded with other sugars like the Lucky Charms are, either. 

It's all a learning process and trial and error, too. Most of us have other intolerances besides gluten because of the damage, and that makes the whole situation a lot more complicated. 

You Know Them by Their Fruit


One of the biggest problems in codependency is the repetitive failure to see things as they are and "know people" by the fruit they bear. Hope for change, denial, and unrealistic expectations are often at the heart of that particular dysfunction. People who are caught up in codependency often put themselves in emotionally harmful situations multiple times because they foolishly believe that "maybe it will be different this time." 

It's not that they like abuse. It's that they hope the situation will change if they're good enough/nice enough/loving enough/helpful enough/committed enough/compliant enough. Such people take unnecessary responsibility for other people's actions, thoughts, opinions, assumptions, behaviors, etc. 

They often feel that the abuse or mistreatment is somehow their fault. It gets even deeper if they've done something wrong in the past. Then shame kicks in and makes it worse. They foolishly believe that they should put up with mistreatment simply because they didn't live a perfect past. This is false. No one lived a perfect life, and past mistakes or wrongdoings do not make continuous disrespect okay.

How do I know all this? Because I lived the lifestyle and the patterns. I was that person who refused to see that some of my relationships (all kinds) weren't what I wanted them to be. I was the person who kept giving second and subsequent "chances" to people who were bearing the fruits of nothing but disrespect, underappreciation, and sometimes even hatred and contempt. I was the one who would keep running back to an unhealthy job, "friendship," or relationship, hoping that the situation or people would change. I was also the person who beat myself up over past mistakes and allowed other people to beat me up over them as well. 

Recognizing the Fruit and Acting Accordingly

A wise minister said a long time ago that some of us need to recognize the fruit and then start acting accordingly. I found that to be very true. 

The truth is that you know people by their (repetitive) fruit as it relates to your relationship or situation. You also know a situation by its fruit. If you work in a toxic environment, it's not likely that it will change because toxicity might be a part of the culture there. 

I can say that I've had a good number of jobs in my lifetime. I don't have negative words to say about all of them, and I don't believe they were all toxic, either. There were two toxic jobs I had, though. I stayed on them long-term hoping for change, and I actually wasted years of my life because of it. The same with relationships. I was unwilling to stay with anyone for 10 or 20 years if he treated me unkindly, but I still stayed in some situations for two to five years. That was long enough for me. Again, I was hoping for change. I kept doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result, and they say that's the definition of insanity. 

When we slowly come out of codependency, we start to see things more realistically. We look at relationships and situations as what they are instead of what we want them to be or what we think they're supposed to be (family is supposed to stick by family, etc.). We self-reflect and think about the kinds of relationships and situations we want to be in, and we no longer entertain unfruitful ones. We act according to the way things really are instead of exhausting ourselves trying to change them. We accept everyone and everything exactly as they are and then decide whether we want them as a part of our lives moving forward. It's not a hateful change, a resentful change, or a manipulative change. It's a change we need to make if we want to be healthy and happy. 

It Is What It Is. You Can't Make It Anything Else

If someone is always condescending toward you, that's the way they feel about you. Plain and simple. It's not someone you want to keep as a friend and certainly not as a romantic partner. 

If someone always makes fun of you or your struggles and pains, they bear hateful and sadistic fruit. Leave them to their own devices. 

If someone constantly ignores you, they do not value you or your company. You'll have to value yourself and not spend time or energy on someone who doesn't.  

If someone always brings up your past, that person wants to keep you in a low place. They're intentionally refusing to acknowledge your growth or any positive deeds or qualities about you (everyone has some). Let them be, and let them live in the past.  

If someone always fails to support you (emotionally), they do not want to support you. Stop asking for support from them and find supportive people. 

If someone treats you like a piece of meat and believes you're a hoe, they don't want a meaningful relationship with you. That's fine, but you're not going to keep compromising your values and hoping that they'll change their mind about you. You'll have to show them who you really are and that you're not the person of their imagination. Shut down the meat cutter permanently and stop settling for less. Move on.   

If a job doesn't value you, protect you, respect you, or help you grow, it's just a job and not a career. Take from it what you can and move on ASAP.

If someone assassinates your character and sows discord into your most precious relationships, they are most likely a narcissist or a wicked puppetmaster at the very least. Leave them and all of their followers to their own devices. There's nothing more you can do. 

"The Haves and the Have Nots" Closes out With a "Meh" Series Finale


*The above image is from The Haves and the Have Nots season finale - JetMag.com and is not the property of Timiarah S.*

Tyler Perry wrapped up "The Haves and the Have Nots" today. All I can say is wow. I felt like it was rushed and had the laziest possible solution: kill 'em all. People died who didn't need to die, and their deaths were quick and brutal. The scene with Katheryn and Diamond disturbed me the most just because of its graphic nature. 

Personally, I liked Katheryn because she became a true friend to Hanna. We don't often see rich white women becoming real friends with black women who don't have as much money as they do. It's just not heard of very much. So I appreciated their friendship. I hated to see her go out like that, but then again, she had covered up a little girl's death to protect her son in the first seasons. She was an enabler, and she died for protecting someone who ended up killing himself in the end anyway. 

Yep. Wyatt OD'd after having been told several times that the drugs he was taking were going to kill him. There was nothing anyone could do. His heart stopped when the lethal combo hit his system, and no one could revive him. 

I liked Hanna, too. I felt like she was a good person who had a rough period earlier in life because of her trauma. She did the best she could and didn't have much when raising her kids, but she tried to be there for them later in life. She also turned to God when she got older. 

I never liked Wyatt from the beginning, and his behaviour just got worse as each season passed. I never liked Jim and disliked him even worse after he tried to force Candace to abort her child back in the day. I hate bullies who do that to women. 

Candace was troubled because of her childhood too, but she had a chance to redeem herself. She had several chances, and she just couldn't do the right thing in the end. It broke my heart to see her die, especially since she was pregnant. 

Benny lost his life because he got in the middle of an abusive relationship between an obsessed mob family member and his ex-girlfriend. That was heartbreaking, too, because he tried to stand up for someone who couldn't stand up for herself and died because of it. But he also played a part in stealing a whole lot of money. Maybe he died as a consequence of that. 

Veronica was a character who I thought was a badass and liked the first season for her spunk. But she became uglier and uglier as her true character unraveled each season. She was a straight-up narcissist who had no care or concern for anyone. She was quite caustic and mean-spirited, and I had no good feelings about her by the end. I thought her death was lame, though, and I thought she'd have been smarter than to go out like she did.

Jeffrey, Madison, and David got the bombdiggety at the hands of Justin's crazy brother. I was mad at David in the end anyway because he supposedly "liked Hanna" but encouraged Jim to pay the mob to kill her daughter. He had been such a lapdog for that devilish man the whole series that I was just through with him. I didn't really want him to die, but he did. 

I didn't care too much for Jeffrey or Madison. It wasn't their lifestyle choices I didn't like. They were just kind of bland characters, and I didn't need to see their bedroom activities at all. I liked that one odd fella, Colby, because he always stood up for himself, but I think he died a few weeks ago. 

Jim's demise was the only one I cheered, but that was because he had just drowned Hanna's daughter in a tub, rubbed it in her face, and then tried to kill her. Yeah, I actually spoke to Hanna from in my seat that time. I think I said, "Run his ass over!" Then she did just that.  

Unfortunately, that's going to haunt her forever. She wasn't a killer. She was someone who snapped after seeing her daughter in the tub like that. She was a woman of God who ended up doing something that God doesn't want His children to do.  She'd already gone through so much, and her suffering isn't even over yet. She has no idea her son is gone, too. 

The only good thing is that she has a new grandson. Babies are bundles of joy who can bring light to any situation. She might be okay if she can put all of her energy into loving her grandson and remembering  Benny through him. She might be able to stay out of jail on temporary insanity or self-defense, but it'll be tough because she could have chosen to drive away. She turned all the way around to run Jim over, and that will be a tough point to argue. 

Man. That wrap-up was tough. Welp, it looks like Hanna is the only "Have" left. She has all the Cryers' money now. We don't know if Mitch is alive at this point. I think he was probably killed for going up against his uncle to protect Candace. At the very least, he will be crippled for life. I liked Mitch. He was a good guy who loved Candace and Benny and didn't want any parts of the mob game. But he messed up when he used their name to offer Candace protection he didn't have the power to give. Everything was just so sad. 

I was disappointed and felt like Mr. Perry could have fleshed the stories and characters out a bit more for the wrap-up. He could have made a two-hour finale and filled in all the blanks that never got filled in. But he didn't. Oh well.

I usually don't follow Tyler Perry stories, and I've never watched a single one of the Madea movies. But somebody told me about HAHN a long time ago. First, I was like, "Wow, John Schneider is kind of attractive at middle age." Then I became invested in the story after the first one. Now, eight years later, it's over.  Life goes on. 

The Blame Game: And Then There's the Truth


*An excerpt from an author's musings*

The biggest problem with dysfunction is that everyone wants to blame someone else, and no one wants to look at his or her own behavior and the pain it might have caused other people. The main reason is that it's just too painful sometimes. We all want to be wonderful people who everyone loves and likes. We all want to have a positive reputation and image and so forth. Some of us will go way farther than others to maintain it. 

The truth is that those of us who lived in dysfunction, whether as a narcissist or codependent, did things that hurt other people. Other people also hurt us, and all of our pain is valid. Part of the recovery process is learning to accept that our behaviors caused harm to other people, too. Codependents aren't just victims. They're also participants in a deadly dance and vicious cycle that never ends until they seek recovery.

The truth is that these behaviors are indeed learned and developed in childhood, and when we don't tend to our own recovery, we end up passing on incomplete "toolsets" to our children. If they don't seek recovery, they may do the same. 

Common Myths About Dysfunction

Some people believe that growing up poor or having a parent who struggles financially causes dysfunction. Such people also believe that changing residences causes dysfunction. Others say that single-parent upbringing itself causes dysfunction. 

While those things can contribute to someone developing dysfunction, I'm here to tell you that the same dysfunction can show up in an adult who seemingly "had everything" growing up: two cars in the driveway, two parents in the home, a beautiful several-bedroom home in the best neighborhood, private schooling, presents on all the popular American holidays, same residence for nearly 20 years, etc. 

It's not what you have or don't have materialistically that causes dysfunction. It's not the type of housing you live in. It's not whether you had more than one residence growing up. It's the way you were or weren't cared for. That's why there are as many rich narcissists, codependents, and addicts as there are poor ones. 

You can have everything under the sun that costs money but receive zero emotional support, guidance, or understanding of healthy boundaries. You can have loads of material things but be told you're worthless every day. That can cause you to develop narcissism or codependency. 

You can also have everything handed to you on a silver platter and have a parent who praises, coddles, and enables you, even when you've done something severely wrong. That usually causes narcissism. 

You can have an overly controlling parent or parents who always try to run your affairs, even when you're a grown man or woman. These things can cause narcissism or codependency.

You can have one parent who selects one of the children as the "golden child" and the other child as the one who just isn't good enough. And you can have another parent in the same household who equally berates both children and is never there when they need help of any kind. You could have a parent who hurts you, undermines you, and fails to protect you just to impress some strangers at your expense. 

All the above things can happen within a family system that seems "normal" just because of the two-parent status and/or material wealth. All of those things can birth narcissism and codependency. 

But it's not just one person's fault. It's usually a generational thing that goes on to be replicated in the following generations if no one recognizes it and seeks recovery. People work with the tools they have until they recognize that they're missing some and visit the hardware store. 

Everybody makes mistakes in these situations and systems. Everybody hurts somebody. Everybody's been hurt. But the entire system is maladaptive, not just one person. Sometimes, it's easier for others to scapegoat and ostracize one person than it is to admit that the entire system is flawed.

I will say this about myself:

I believe I grew up to be severely codependent. I've been a caretaker at times, a surrogate mommy for a man-child at times, a physical and emotional punching bag, an enabler, and a controller. But even a codependent can display narcissistic traits and behaviors, especially when that person is pushed, stressed, experiencing extreme emotional abuse, or spending a lot of time around a sadistic narcissist. It happens.

I believe I have way too much empathy, compassion, self-awareness, and self-reflection to be a narcissist. But if it makes other people feel better about themselves to call me a narcissist, go for it. Whatever I was, I am no longer that person anymore. I'm a growing and evolving person who is learning new things and practicing new behaviors every day. I may have started late in life, but it's better to be late to the bus than to never catch it at all

Getting Better and Thinking About Music

So I have been unwell and trying to recover from that gluten exposure from over a month, ago. Sometimes the symptoms linger on for months, and they come and go on their way out. This week I had headaches, but my stomach is slowly returning to my version of normal: not flat but not completely blown up like I'm in the second trimester of pregnancy.

 It took me six entire months to feel better the last time something like this happened, and I had no assistance whatsoever for lack of insurance. I slowly healed by changing my diet. My problems started again once I returned to a "regular" job and started eating gluten-filled foods on my breaks and such. At the time, I didn't know what was making me sick. But I was tired all the time and had headaches and a distended stomach at times. I got faint several times at work with blurred vision, but I never really told anybody. Hell, I loved the job so much I didn't want to make anyone nervous who already felt like I shouldn't have been doing that job, lol. 

But yes, I haven't felt right for a long time. I used every bit of my strength to work that job, but I often passed out the moment I got home. I got frozen shoulder twice, was nauseous when I shouldn't have been, suffered unexplained dental issues, hair loss, severe gastro issues, and more. I even suffered in the motherly area, which I always felt was a tad bit too early to be happening just because of my age. 

I've been getting a lot of rest and waiting for more tests. I drag myself out of bed or off the couch and work on music when I can. I'm hoping I will feel well enough to get back to the gym next week. We'll see!

My music is changing. The last song I wrote was more positive than many of the others because I'm having more positive experiences now. I'm starting to look at life from a "The rain falls on the good and the bad" perspective. Each of our bad experiences teaches us lessons. We're supposed to learn from them and take from them a growth opportunity, not dwell on them or stay upset. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's working. 

"The Way It Is" was the very last song I wrote. I guess I used two different delivery styles to express the same concept. I sang a little, and then I rapped a little, and then I sang a little, and then I rapped a little. 

Before that, I wrote "Husband Benefits," which is an overdue song that does not reflect anything that's going on in my personal life at this time. It's about men who don't respect women and want to get the "husband benefits" without actually becoming one's husband or committing. A.K.A. f*** boys, narcissists, and undercover booty call bandits.

"I Don't Like It Rough" is a remix of a tune I wrote years ago. I tried to sing it in a higher pitch when I first wrote it, and I was out of my range, plain and simple. One of my relatives suggested that I try to "go lower" because I sounded "winded" as I was trying to carry those high notes, haha. I took the constructive criticism and remixed it later after I created another Dubstep-type beat. This version came out much more natural. I really like it, and I don't usually like my own voice.  I don't like it rough has more than one meaning. Yes, it means what you think it means, but it also means I don't like being treated like crap overall.

"Waste My Time" came from a period right before "Husband Benefits" should have been written, haha. I like my voice in that one too, and I like my beat. 

Nirvana's "In Bloom" is Nirvana's "In Bloom." It's one of my favorite Nirvana songs, so I had to give it a go! I loved the way they mixed and mastered the vocals on that track on the "Nevermind" album. The vocals sounded sweet every time they doubled up on them. I think they used Dave as a backup on that, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I liked it so much that I had to sing it my damn self. My voice is nowhere near as strong as Kurt Cobain's, and I definitely can't scream, but I had fun. It's a mellow version of a cover, I guess. 

I mixed three of the songs myself. The last two, I did not. Two of the music pieces (of the first five) are my creations, and three of them are not. None of them is perfect. All of them have some flaw or another,  but I think they're getting better. 

Real Hip-Hop Ain't Easy


I did everything I said I was going to do over the weekend, which included "playing" with my video games, creating music, and dedicating the largest portion of my time solely to healing and spiritual nourishment. The more positive things we feed into our processors (brains), the more we wash out the negativity that was placed into them. The more we surround ourselves with positive, supportive people and their energies, the more we cast out the negatives. The more we act as friendly and compassionate advocates of ourselves, the less we feel that we need to rely on other people to be such. That's reprogramming in a nutshell. 

What can I say about the music I make for myself? It doesn't really mimic anything I've ever heard, and it doesn't really have a definitive genre or style. It's usually a mixture of the things I personally like. I usually create sounds that make me feel good and sounds that I enjoy hearing. Then I see how they carry over elsewhere. You see, I don't make music or write songs for money, fame, validation, recognition, and so on. All of those are nice, and I certainly wouldn't reject them if they came my way. But they don't motivate me to create art. My love for art motivates me to create art. 

So I came up with two pieces. One has more of a Dubstep overall sound but also has Rock undertones. The other is a Hip-Hop sort of thing with many Classical aspects and a tad bit of a Latin sound. My creations are usually genre mash-ups that somehow work. My soul loves a variety of instrumentations, and it likes to hear those things together. So a mixture is what usually comes out of me if I'm the person building the musical composition. 

Favorite instruments:

  • Drums
  • Guitar
  • Violin
  • Cello
  • Trumpet
  • and the effing FLUTE

The next step will be to write something for one of the musical pieces. I started rambling an incoherent melody to the Hip-Hop-ish one, but that one's going to require a lot of words. Hip-Hop is one of the hardest styles of music for a lyricist. Well, at least Old-School Hip-Hop is. I've said this many times before, and I'll say it again. You have to have a vocabulary that makes sense, a message that means something, the ability to make things rhyme, the diction and clarity, and the skill to deliver those words in a catchy way (a good flow). 

It is NOT easy. It's much easier and faster to write a pop song or something because you can fit much fewer words into a longer stretch of music, lol. You can just hold the notes for a long-ass time, hahaha. With Hip-Hop, you have to talk. You have to express ideas and try to entertain at the same time. With other styles of "rap," you can mumble incoherently and mesmerize the audience with the beat and gargly effects. But for the old-school stuff, you'll want your lyricism to be just as memorable as your beat, if not more. Lyrics matter!

Musical Endeavors


I've been biding my time doing things other than watching narcissism and codependency videos, haha. I already have enough knowledge. I've had the knowledge for over 20 years. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes many years to put the knowledge into practice. We can still continue to make mistakes long after we become aware of narcissism and codependency and all the red flags that come along with it. Growth and recovery times differ for every person. 

The movies and videos are only a small portion of my healing process. My process also includes indulging in my hobbies, interests, and talents. One of the golden rules of some of the recovery programs is to ensure sure we set aside time to "play."

I started trying to build myself a better recording area. I can't finance a full studio, so I have to work with what I have. I ordered acoustic panels and soundproof weather stripping and other such items to eliminate the noise when I record. That will minimize the work I have to do with my vocal tracks when I'm done "playing," and it will make it much easier for whoever's mixing and mastering to come up with a great finished product. 

I don't think I give myself enough credit as a producer of actual music, though. I just listened to a few of the songs I produced myself all the way, and they came out pretty good. I mean, they got a good amount of attention too, as compared to some of the stuff I did on other people's productions. The mixing and mastering weren't bad either. It wasn't top-quality work, but it wasn't shoddy either. I'll have to renege on that negative commentary I made about my own productions, at least for those two tracks. 

I think I tend to be more detail-oriented when eliminating background noise from my own tracks than some others are. I literally sift through every second of the track and zone in on those hard P's, S's, pops, and other such noises when I'm really focused on something. I'll highlight little itty bitty minuscule parts of a word, for example, and get the pop of the P without erasing the whole P, for example. That's when I'm focused on the project, though. When I'm feeling lazy, all sorts of stuff could be left in, lol. 

I think I will spend the weekend composing some music instead of singing to someone else's music this time. I like to mix it up and do my own stuff sometimes and collaborate other times. I haven't made a beat for myself in a while, and I think it's time to just open up my mind and see what comes. I like odd instrumentations, and I like putting them together. I like violins and trumpets and pianos and bells and whistles. I also like hard drums. So we'll see what happens. 

The above picture is not of my recording area, but it was fitting for the post.  

Done With Dirty John: Justice Only Comes in Movies


I got done with "Dirty John" last night. I only watched the first season. The second season was a different story that had Christian Slater in it. I like Christian Slater, but my mind was tired after watching the other Dirty John person. I mean, wow. 

The first "Dirty John" was more of a sociopath than a narcissist, but sometimes only a fine line exists between the two. The main characteristic of these people is that they lack empathy. Therefore, neither type of person is incapable of killing someone or at least watching someone die. Without empathy, they don't care enough not to put someone else's life at risk to serve their own cause. They don't care enough to know that they're supposed to help if someone they say they "love" is dying. They don't care enough not to harm such a person when she says she wants to leave the relationship. 

My experience is unfortunately extensive, but the individuals varied in degrees of narcissism. I would say maybe one of them was a "teddy bear narcissist," while the worst one may have been a socio-narc like the first Dirty John. 

The problem with watching movies and TV shows about narcissists is that they usually end the shows with some sort of "justice." They know it's what the viewers want to see. They want to see the person who did all the evil "get what they deserve," whether it be legal consequences such as divorce and jail time, or the very appropriate fate that came to the first Dirty John. Real life doesn't work that way, though. The majority of narcissists get away with everything they do, and there's no actual justice for the victims. The real sly ones with tons of enablers and flying monkeys get away with the children, the "good reputation," and everything else. We don't get a TV show ending, and that's probably why we enjoy watching justice get dealt out in make-believe world. 

The world is getting much better at understanding narcissistic abuse and all the emotional and psychological elements it involves, but it still has a long way to go. Unfortunately, many people still need to see those broken bones, cuts, and bruises before they believe abuse existed. They still don't understand that the verbal and emotional and psychological attacks are the biggest crimes against the souls of the targets. 

I thought Dirty John's fate was very appropriate, considering what he was trying to do when it happened. If he had not been trying to do that, then I'd have felt differently about his fate. In most cases, I don't believe that narcissistic people should receive such absolute forms of justice. You can click on the link above if you'd like to watch the series. 

Dirty John Season 1: The Makings of Narcissists and Codependents


I got as far as episode five of the first season of Dirty John before I had to leave. All I can say is wow. John was doing too much, lol. He said many hurtful and inappropriate things to his wife's closest family members and basically alienated them all. A few of them tried to tell her that "Something's wrong with him," or they tried to shed light on his abusiveness, but she wouldn't see it. Her mother just loved John to death, so she didn't see it either. 

We (viewers) moved along in the story to find out that John told a bunch of lies about himself and had a ton of skeletons in his closet. First of all, he never fought in Iraq. He was actually living in a trailer park at the time when he told his wife and her family that he was "fighting in a war." Yes, perhaps the Double-Wide War, but certainly not any notable American war. SMH.

BTW, there's nothing wrong with living in a trailer or a trailer park if that's what you can afford, and you don't have a problem with what other people consider as substandard housing. There IS something wrong with telling fallacies about your past, such as being an ex-vet and a doctor. 

We also found out that John used to have a medical license, but he lost it for robbing patients of their anesthetics and narcotics. You see, John had a severe drug problem as well, which is a co-existing issue of many narcissists. 

John also cheated on his first wife and had zero empathy for her when she found out. The things he said to her were so damaging it was unreal. She left him, and he threatened to kill her, which is also very common among narcissistic individuals. They had two kids, so she got a restraining order that protected all of them. 

That's not it, though. John also had a pretty long criminal record. He did not have an isolated incident or incidents that happened when he was a kid/young adult, but a slew of crimes he had committed JUST THAT YEAR. In fact, he had just gotten out of prison when he met Debra, wife number two. 

Debra was the one who figured most of this stuff out once she started investigating her husband. She didn't know him AT ALL. Part of the reason is that she didn't give herself a chance to get to know him before she married him. Don't think that only happens when you let relationships move quickly, though. Sometimes you can know someone for 10 entire years before you marry them and still not know who they really are. But yes, in this case, Debra allowed the relationship to advance way too quickly. They married eight weeks into their relationship. 

Anyway, Debra decided that she would leave the marriage and get an annulment based on John's falsehoods and coercion. Unfortunately, John had a (valid) medical emergency right before she got her annulment, and that caused her to have sympathy, empathy, and compassion for him. He also threw a lie in there about having muscular dystrophy, lol, and that added to her guilt. 

She grilled him about all his lies and deception, and he seemed so convincing and remorseful that she ended up taking him back again. First, she literally nursed him and helped him through detox from the drugs (been there) because he promised to stop. Then she took him back after he finished detox. But yeah, detox didn't last long. He was doing the drugs behind her back in no time.

At that point, her family members cut her off because they didn't want John to be able to hurt them or their kids.

The next few episodes really took us into a look at John and Debra's childhoods. We saw exactly how John developed into a narcissist. He could have easily developed into a codependent instead, but he didn't. He went the other way. 

John's father was a narcissist himself and a con artist. He used John in a series of scams so that he could get lawsuit money. For example, he made John eat a piece of GLASS at a restaurant so that he could try to sue the restaurant. He had John jump in front of a car and get HIT by it to sue the other driver. Is this not terrible???? John was just a kid, and he went through so much pain in those accidents his father made him do. I mean, the moment we saw those things, we realized exactly why John turned into what he became. We felt compassion for childhood John. We wanted to feel compassion for the adult John as well because he never really understood how he was supposed to interact with people. 

But that's where we mess up at. Even when narcissists tell us about their childhood abuse, or we exchange stories with them, they don't do it to truly bond with us. They do it to play on our sense of compassion and empathy and use them to their advantage. They do it to find out our vulnerabilities so they can use them as well. They don't feel compassion and empathy for us because they chose to detach from those parts of themselves a long time ago and create a false self who would never feel close to anyone ever again. 

Debra was groomed to be a codependent. Her mother was one who always encouraged her daughters to stay with men who treated them poorly. In fact, Debra's sister was killed by her husband for requesting a divorce. Her mother was trying to talk her into staying with him a few nights before she died, but she wanted to be free and not be controlled by her husband. 

One thing I don't like about the series is that it sheds a bad light on faith and religion. Debra's mother used religion to justify generational doormatting. Our Savior said we have to forgive others, yes. He didn't say that we have to stay in their lives and allow them to abuse us. He didn't say we have to stay in marriages with serial cheaters or people who threaten our lives constantly. Yeah, no.  Staying with someone who is actively participating in sin is a sin in itself. 

Dirty John: The Perfect Lesson on Narcissism and Codependency

I started watching the "Dirty John" movie/series (2018) after it was suggested to a group of us by a minister who is well educated in the narcissism realm. She said there would be things we'd pick up on and recognize right away, as John is a narcissist and Debra is codependent. I just got finished with the first episode, and I know I'm definitely going to finish this series. 

The female in the story is an established businesswoman who had a series of bad marriages, four to be exact. That part of it struck a chord because I noticed how her own daughter put her down for that. I, too, experienced ridicule because I had more than one marital rodeo. In fact, I was ridiculed in the courthouse by my last fiance as we were completing paperwork for the marriage license. Nice, huh? Um, and why exactly would he proceed to marry someone he felt wasn't good enough because of her previous marriages? That was total narcsense.

Others don't understand that we just want to be loved. We're not horrible people or insatiable ***s or anything. All we want is a loving relationship... a long-lasting relationship... a happy family like the one we always dreamed of. When I was a little girl, my dream wasn't to have multiple marriages or several long-term abusive or unfulfilling relationships. I wanted to be loved and have a family. That is all.

 Unfortunately, some of us have "bad pickers" and maladaptive patterns of behavior. We allow treatment we shouldn't allow. We accept breadcrumbs of affection because we're used to living off of breadcrumbs of affection. Thus, we often make bad partner choices, or we give our all to people who don't even give us 25 percent of themselves, lol. Eventually, though, we realize that we're being horribly mistreated, and we leave. That marriage or relationship ends, but we still desire to be loved. 

Should we never marry again or never have children again or never love again because we made a bad choice? Or perhaps we're considered "better people" if we stay with the same harmful person for 20 or 40 years of our lives. Who says so? Who says we don't deserve to try to be happy? And who has the right to ridicule us over our failed relationships? 

Unfortunately, if we don't get the appropriate healing, which involves building our self-esteem and diffusing the negative images and words about ourselves that were programmed into us, we keep making the same mistakes. Such was the problem of the woman in the story.

Debra didn't need a damn thing. She was independent, self-sufficient, well off, successful, and had everything she could possibly need. But deep, down she still had the same self-esteem problems and bad image of herself because of what she'd endured. But she still wanted be loved by a man.

She met a man named John who was attractive, charming, and a successful "doctor." We find out later that he's not a doctor, but that's a whole other story. She and John hit it off on the first date and went back to her place and started kissing. Way too early for kissing or home visits! But more important was the way John handled himself when Debra declined to have relations that night and asked if they could just watch some TV in the other room instead. 

He literally threw a tantrum and walked out of her home and slammed the door. As an observer, I could see that John was an abuser from that moment. Debra was disappointed and confused, but she just shrugged it off as, "Oh well. I guess he wasn't the one." Then, John called her back several days later with a long "apology speech" and charmed her into dating him again. Once that happened, she got caught up in "the cycle." It should have been a wrap after the first horrible behavior. 

By the end of the first episode, these two had moved in together and gone through all sorts of abuser isolation drama with Debra's family members. That should have been the end of it, too, but Debra proceeded with the relationship and went on to marry John at the end of the episode. I know it's going to be all downhill for Debra now. She done said, "I do." Awe, Lord. John is about to show his entire behind now.  

*Picture is from the Los Angeles Times website and is not the property of Timiarah S*