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Showing posts with label diaries and life stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diaries and life stories. Show all posts

The Struggle Gets Tiresome, But...

I never finished my song earlier this evening, but I'll do it today. Enjoy every moment. 

I fell asleep yesterday. I was tired. I had the worst experience ever and then had to decide if I wanted to go back for some more of that, lol. The verdict is still out on that. 

I was disappointed, discouraged, and just about defeated once I realized that I was getting crap from other ends at the same time. The crapstorm seems to be a collective effort to stop T from paying her bills. This one lonesome and unsupported female is somehow on the "can not earn" list. "We'll take away her livelihood, make it as hard as possible for her to earn money, and postpone her payments or nickel and dime her to death whenever she does." Several parties are in sync. Yeah. I noticed. Good for you. 

I didn't know whether I wanted to laugh or cry yesterday, honestly, and I probably did a little bit of both. I cried because I was tired of being f**ked with and tired of struggling just to stay afloat all the time. I laughed because, in any other situation, the events from yesterday would have been funny. It was one of those situations where I just wanted to scream, "What the hell are ya'll doing?" It was completely substandard for the organization I was interacting with. I mean, I actually thought very highly of that organization, and I expected much better. 

It was so crazy that I wasn't sure if my experience was real or scripted, but wow. My guess? Scripted. Certain "strangers" knew too much of my personal information, current activities, and past experiences for it to have been a coincidence. 

Nice to meet ya. All you had to do was ask. 

So yeah, it was funny in its own way, and I did laugh a little bit. But at the same time, I was deflated. You know how it is. I crawl my way out of one near-death situation (physical, emotional, financial), and then I get kicked in the head or gut just as I'm climbing out of the ditch. It gets tiresome after a few decades, and I was very tired yesterday. 

I'm not the only one who has been tired, though. That's why it's cool to look into the good book (if you believe in it) when things don't go right. Some of the most cherished prophets had WTF and WTH moments. Heck, Elijah asked to be removed from the Earth. He was tired. Jonah was so tired of people "getting away with wickedness" that he tried to bounce. Moses was tired. David was tired. Jeremiah was tired. "Jesus" was tired, too, once. Remove this cup?

Obviously, I'm not a prophet. But the point is that even the people who were deemed the strongest and most righteous had moments where they were so tired of the struggle that they simply wanted to give up. One thing is similar about all of those people's stories, though. They all turned to their Elohim/God/Heavenly Father to get them through the rough patches. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to be reminded of.

It's Been a Crapstorm for Several Months


Today was one of those days when I couldn't do anything but look up to the sky and ask, "What in the actual f**** is going on?" The Book of Psalms is full of prayers like that. David's like, "How looooong are you going to let my enemies beat up on me? Where the heck are you? When in the actual f*** are you going to fight for me?" 

That's why the Book of Psalms is my favorite book. It's full of real and raw emotion. When he felt ignored, he said so. When he felt like his enemies were winning, he said so. When he felt like his protector wasn't protecting him, he asked why. He was not punished for such things, nor was he punished for requesting that the Heavenly Father turn their wicked shenanigans right back on them. I love the Psalms because David didn't pussyfoot around. Neither will I. 

When the world kicks your ass, you have one of three choices. You can completely give up on life altogether. You can get on your knees and pray, or you can enjoy every last minute of whatever you have left for as long as you have it. You might even choose to do a combo. 

Me, I'm going to finish my song. Then I'm going to process some returns, if you know what I mean. Enjoy. 

Don't Bury Me Just Yet

I went to the gym, but it wasn't a long session or anything. I probably stayed there for only 15-18 minutes. I know this because I played "Pop Sh*t" by Dirt McGirt exactly five times, haha, then I left. No nonsense. Straight to the booty and oblique machines, then I was out.  I'll do all that cardio and whatnot next time. This was just a re-introduction session. The goal was to get there and actually do something. Next time, I'll spend my normal hour there. 

I've been really bad with the music lately. I shouldn't be listening to explicit tunes, but wow, I saw that song being recorded on a documentary. Pharrell's beat was hot, and it was a great comeback song for ole boy before he passed. The flow was tight. I didn't really care for everything he said, but the mechanics of it were perfect. 


You can usually tell the state of your health by your pictures. I was never really photogenic, but when I was sick, I looked siiiiiiick, even in videos. I literally looked like I was 80 years old and had gotten punched in both eyes several times. I watched a comparison of what I looked like in the face three years ago (no filter) versus what I look like now (no filter). It looks like several decades of a difference. 

Even my work IDs from just a year or two ago look 10 times worse than a picture of myself that I took just now when I first rolled out the bed (the worst time to take a picture). That's bad! The one company would not get rid of that horrendous ID shot for anything, either. That is so messed up, lol. 

And when you wear a mask all the time, no one can tell that you actually aren't a 100-year-old domestic violence victim. They don't know you took your picture back when your body was still trying to fight off a stealth intruder from a piece of wheat bread. So everyone thinks you're super old, calls you "ma'am," and thinks you don't like your job because of the light labor your "frail old body" can't handle instead of the horrid hours you work, lol. 


Honestly, I wouldn't have lasted on those hours at 18 either. They're just not for everybody. I can last until about 6 a.m. (but prefer to exit at 4 or 5) on an overnight shift. Anything beyond that - like after the sun comes up - is unnatural and unhealthy for me. It doesn't work. I used to work 11-7s decades ago and didn't really care for them then, either. I requested to change my shift to 8-4 because I had a better time with it. That was back in the casino days, and I loved the 8 to 4s. 

The body still believes it's getting a regular night's sleep at that time, and I wake up feeling normal. It still works that way now at 27 ;-). I worked a shift that ended at noon a while back, and no matter what I did, it just wasn't for me. Sick, not sick, eight hours of sleep, several days off, whatever. It just didn't work. I liked the work just fine but not the hours. 


A lot of things happened to me because I was sick and not because of my age at all. A whole heap of my problems went away shortly after I changed my diet. Like the frozen shoulder, for instance. I was doing some broom handle oblique exercises at home yesterday, and I realized that my left shoulder is completely flexible and normal. There is no restriction in it of any kind. Just a year ago, it wasn't working properly, and I couldn't even do my job even when I wanted to. 

Don't put me in the senior citizen's home and off the market for a good man just yet, y'all. I ain't there yet by a long shot. 

Long Storytime: Job Security and At-Will Don't Belong in the Same Sentence


Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is promised. Nothing is secure. Not in this world, anyway. That's one of the things you learn in life as you get older. The first time you realize that job security doesn't really exist, you're dumbfounded. 

I don't think I ever truly bounced back from losing my job 14 years ago. Of course, I have worked other jobs since then, and of course, I enjoyed some of them.  I worked hard, just like I always do. However, it was always in the back of my mind that they could dump me at any time for any reason. Sometimes that fear can make me work harder to hold onto something. Other times, it can have an opposite effect, lol. 

It was a traumatic experience for me because I had planned to stay there until retirement. I had my whole life mapped out back then, and nothing worked out the way I wanted it to. I had found a job I loved, and it provided me with everything I needed. I was bringing a child into the world that I really wanted and could provide for pretty well, even if I didn't have the help I should have had. I was ecstatic about him, and I couldn't wait to see his face. I had my own home at the time, etc. 

Everything was gone in a flash. 

The reason I was dismissed was so dumb that I was in shock when they told me I couldn't work there anymore. I had zero write-ups, excellent performance, no problems with anyone on the job, etc. However, I was six months pregnant at the time, and I had previously gone on medical leave because I almost died and had to have a traumatic emergency surgical procedure. Interpret it any way you like. I received unemployment compensation. So there was no misconduct or anything that made me ineligible to receive it. You be the judge. 

Really, the decision boiled down to a conversation between my employer and someone who was supposed to get my back, the "customer" I supposedly "hurt" with my actions. All I know is that person said they had my back, and the next thing you know, my life changed forever. I still remember being totally confused when they said that to me. 

I didn't do anything illegal, bad, or harmful, but what I did technically violated a rule they had. I can't argue that. However, they didn't have to let me go over that... at all. It was almost as silly as getting axed because you come into work without your name tag on. But when it's in the policy, it's in the policy, and they can handle it any way they like. That's why I don't bother working for anyone who has a policy against something I do, wear, etc. Even if one person says it's cool, I won't waste my time.   

Anyway, I didn't realize until years later that I had a "friend" who wasn't really happy that I had that job. Sometimes, you don't even know that the people in your circle don't really like you or want you to succeed. The people you think you're closest to are just enemies in disguise, but you're so blinded by other things that you don't even get it until it's way too late. Sometimes, you lose even more before you figure out that they were never on your team.

I was just a woman who was crazy about cell phones and my job. I was going through a tough time during that period, too. My job and the idea of bringing that beautiful miracle child into the world were the only two things that gave me a glimmer of hope. 

Well, I lost it all, and I guess I haven't really been the same in the employment realm since then. I have only put a lot of myself into two jobs since then. I stayed long-term, worked hard, overperformed, tried to advance, etc. But neither of them was feeling it on the advancement, lol. Now I work to earn bill money. That's it. I don't get attached, and I don't put anyone else before me anymore. I do what's best for me first, and if it works well for them, too, great!

At-will means at-will, and an employer will exercise its at-will rights at any time. Some will do it even before you start. That's why I have no qualms about doing mine, lol. 

I applied for a position not too long ago, as a matter of fact. We talked, and the lady made it sound like they needed someone ASAP, told me to come in, etc. I got there and filled out the paperwork. She drug tested me on the spot. Yeah, I don't do drugs. I keep telling people that, and they keep trying to prove me a liar. That was never my problem, and it had nothing to do with my struggles

The problem was being alone in this world (even when I wasn't alone) and not earning enough pay. Dealing with surprise illnesses/allergic reactions when I was all alone was the problem. Getting hooked up with users/abusers used to be a problem. You name it, but it wasn't substance abuse. Someone has told you a lie if you believe such a thing. 

Any employer can drug test me at any time and for any reason, and they will find nothing because I... do... not... do... drugs. None. Nada. I don't even take any prescription medications. I take vitamins and digestive enzymes. 

So after the test, we had this long conversation about the job and blah blah blah, and then I never heard from her again. They had about 100 other applicants and the right to send whoever they wanted. So it's not like it was a big deal. But why speak to someone like they have the job if they don't? It was a waste of my time. 

To be fair, I didn't call her to hound her about the job either. I didn't do anything but go straight home and wait for the call. I had already shown my initiative by running over there and going through all that mess. Plus, she sounded like I already had the job and told me she would call me back that day with additional details like the start time and address, and so on.  I didn't hear a dang thing. 

She had also offered me a different position that I couldn't take because it would have interfered with something else. I guess she might have thought I wanted the "easier" job more and wasn't interested in the less favorable position. The work tasks were not the reason I couldn't take the other gig. I came there for that specific job because of the hours and my limited availability, not because it was easy or hard. 

I don't know. The whole thing made me feel like they just wanted to bring me in and drug test me and get my information. It may or may not be true, but that's the way it made me feel. I'm not even sure the second gig even existed, lol. I never saw that mysterious "alternative gig" on the job board at all, so it seemed kind of fishy. But well, now they know that I don't do drugs. Any other questions? 

See what I mean, though? An employer can get you excited about something and then totally pull out on you. A business you're freelancing for can also cancel you after a decade or two. So you shouldn't feel bad about doing the same thing any time you desire to. There's no security or promise of anything unless you have a contract for a specified amount of time. 

That doesn't mean I won't find myself sticking around with a certain company for a long time, and it doesn't mean I won't work hard and follow the rules. It's in me to do that, and that isn't going to change. I tend to stay if I really enjoy the job tasks, the hours/schedule, and the environment. That doesn't mean I want a teenager's salary, though, lol. I do know my worth, and I need to make ends meet. I'm pretty versatile in what I can do and what I have experience doing. But everything needs to be suitable for me to find myself there for a long time: hours, job tasks, pay rate, and environment. 

A toxic environment is horrible to work in, no matter what the pay rate is. An unhealthy shift is hard on the face and body. For job tasks, I like to stay busy and have time fly by. I don't really like to be stagnant, but I'll do a stand-still job if I need the money!

Out of all the jobs I had, the ones that had my attention and blew time by the fastest were:

  • Automotive
  • Stock jobs
  • Cell phone CSR/sales rep
  • Casino banker/ cashier

The casino jobs were amazingly fun and busy, and we got to meet celebrities and interesting personalities from time to time. Plus, I met some long-term, true-blue, down-for-you-in-bad-times friends there. But well, there are no casinos here. 

I enjoy tinkering with cars a whole lot. But most automotive gigs are at the lowest level and pay rate, and it is hard work at that level if you're doing the tires. Even when low pay isn't a factor, the employers sometimes don't want me to have or keep that job. You be the judge of why that is. 

Cell phone companies don't really have retail CSR positions anymore. I loved my job as a CSR but didn't really care for my job as a sales rep, even though I was a top performer. I don't dig sales jobs. I just don't, and I no longer see in-store CSR gigs. They're always sales positions. 

Back in the day, we weren't the salespeople. We took care of the customers' billing issues and problems, and we activated the phones after the sales reps were done closing the deals. The techs were across from us, and they fixed the phones right there. Our pay was hourly and did not involve commissions or quotas. We could assist other people if we had downtime, but we were not salespeople or techs. 

Stock jobs are cool because I like being left alone and working when no customers are in the building sometimes. That doesn't mean I'm unwilling to work in a customer-facing position. It just means I prefer to have some introvert time, lol. There's a time for everything. When the time is right and everything fits, I will face the customers and represent a certain company well. 

Stock jobs are always plentiful. They go by fast because I get caught up in rearranging stuff and so forth. The pay is sometimes unfavorable, though. It depends on the company. 

Why don't I go for full-time management with my experience and at my overly ripe age? You should be able to figure it out by reading the earlier parts of the story.  I have several reasons. 

When Employee Onboarding Goes South